Here's why you shouldn't have sex this Valentine's Day, according to a sex therapist

Are you going to "fail" Valentine’s Day?  

Many people feel like their relationships are tested on Valentine’s Day, especially in the bedroom.  

After all, February 14 means candy hearts, lingerie, romance … and sex.  

But the expectation of intimacy can sometimes lead to anxiety. Couples may feel pressured by the idea that sex is expected, especially those who are struggling with intimacy. That's why for some couples, I recommend skipping sex on Valentine's Day. Let me explain why.

Why so many people hate Valentine's Day

Just like kissing under the mistletoe or kissing when the ball drops at midnight on New Year’s Eve, the social expectations of Valentine’s Day can lead you to question your relationship. 

Social media has immeasurably compounded this pressure. As you scroll through your feed on Valentine’s Day, you will see the dozen red roses that your high school classmate got from her husband. You will see your coworker boasting about her girlfriend bringing her breakfast in bed. You will see your friend giving a passionate kiss to her husband on their date night.

No wonder so many people dread Valentine’s Day.

What happens when you take sex off the table

But don’t write off this holiday completely. It is possible to enjoy this romantic holiday without getting swept up in the pressure of the day.  Here’s how:  

Take sex off the table. It might sound strange for a sex therapist to tell couples not to have sex, but sex fasts can be useful. When I see that a couple is suffering from overwhelming expectations in the bedroom, I will often advise that they put a temporary hold on sex. Remove it from the equation. What happens in your body when you imagine that? Do you feel lighter and more relaxed? That is a good sign that you could benefit from a temporary and thoughtful break from intercourse. 

Be the change. How do you want to feel in the bedroom on Feb. 14? (Or any day, for that matter). Do you want to feel romanced, desired or connected with your partner? Think about what you want to experience in your love life, and then take intentional steps to create those feelings for yourself.   

If you want to feel romanced, you need to create space for that feeling to exist. You can’t feel those positive feelings if your thoughts are rooted in lack or scarcity.  

Stop doom-scrolling. Stop looking at social media. Avoid letting bitterness mount as you see other couples enjoying what you desire. Instead, try this: Shower your partner with the energy you desire, and you might be surprised to see that it will come back to you. If it doesn't, that's a good opening for a conversation as to why and what you might be looking for from your partner that you are not receiving.

Don’t fall for the hype. Valentine’s Day is just another day in February. It is not a test of your worth or the quality of your relationship. If your partner forgets to give you flowers, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. If your partner is not in the mood for sex, it doesn’t mean that your love life is doomed. Choose thoughts that are kinder to you and your relationship. Look for evidence that your partner does care for you, rather than the opposite. Look for evidence that your partner is your sexual soulmate, rather than evidence that they are not.  

Trust the therapist, sober sex is best:You just have to get the courage to try it.

Valentine’s Day can serve as a reminder that we need to be very intentional about the thoughts we have about our relationship. We can compare our love lives to other people’s, or we can consciously cultivate thoughts that will support the kind of relationship we want.  

Our energy will follow where our thoughts lead, so this Valentine’s Day, let your thoughts lead you where love lies − lingerie optional.  

Dr. Laura Berman is a world-renowned sex, love and relationship therapist. She earned two masters degrees and a Ph.D. from New York University, and is New York Times best-selling author of nine books and an award-winning syndicated radio host. She currently hosts the popular love and sex advice podcast “The Language of Love.” You can find her on Facebook, Instagram and her website.

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